“The Difference between Longing and Love“
Years ago, I went to visit my sister in the USA. I was done with university not yet on a career path. Single. Feeling great.
I had a hunch something amazing would happen.
In the first week I arrived, my sister’s boss wanted to take his team out for lunch. “You’re invited too” she said.
He was a bit older. Divorced. A big American guy. A fast thinker and equally fast speaker. Charismatic. Great smile. Magnetic eyes. Love at first sight. My sister was disgusted with me.
I couldn’t remember ever laughing as much as I did at him sharing hilarious observations of people around us. The butterflies might have added an extra flutter to my laughter.
After lunch on their way to work, they dropped me off. The team manager in the passenger seat, my sister and I in the back. Parked outside my sisters house, he turned around. Instinctively I reached out my hand and gently put it on his cheek. For a split second he closed his eyes and rested his cheek into the palm of my hand. My sister stared with disapproval.
Later that evening when she came home, she didn’t hold back. “Kiki. He’s my boss. He’s old. He’s fat. What’s wrong with you!
That Friday evening we had our first date. The chemistry undeniable.
We met several times that week, and the thought of going back home the week after, affected my mood and left him somehow puzzled with my emotional distance. His analysis: “in your thoughts, you’re already saying goodbye, aren’t you?
That level of empathy. I never had that. My mother usually would snap when I was in a ‘mood’. “I wasn’t living in a hotel. I was being ungrateful.” It taught me that being upbeat was the desired mood and anything else soon became part of my shadow.
The last night came up fast. A dinner was planned with my sister, her roommate and my love. The wine arrived but he never did.
That night I couldn’t sleep. I sat for hours on the window ledge while emotions and thoughts were fighting to be felt and heard. At dawn my thoughts and feelings were exhausted and in the emptiness that followed, a soft voice came up. It asked “What’s the difference between longing and love?”
“I don’t know” I answered.
Love is now. Longing takes you out of the moment and into a desire for it to last forever. Longing is a need to control that what you fear to loose.
Can you simply be grateful for the experience you had? The time you had together, without longing for more?
As it started to get light outside, gratitude flooded my body. I no longer felt sad for not having that last night with him. Instead I felt grateful for the past 2 weeks together.
I was ready to go to bed and able to catch 3 hours, before my sister woke me up. He’s on the phone she said. He wants to talk to you.
His voice sounded low with guilt. I on the other hand was still filled with love and gratitude. “I’m so sorry he said. I was a coward. I couldn’t do it.” I told him “it’s ok. I’m just grateful I met you and for the incredible time we already had together. Thank you” I said. He was quiet. That wasn’t the reaction he had prepared for.
He asked “what time is your flight?” I said “I leave in 4 hours for the airport.”
“I’m coming to pick you up in 30 and want to spend the next 2 hours with you” he replied.
He had picked up coffee and breakfast on his way over. For 2 hours we drove and talked, and talked. At the end he asked: “what’s your plan? Where do you want to be next in your life? I said I’m going to look for a job when I get back. Have you considered moving to the US? I can help you to get a job. I want to get to know you more.
2 months back home he no longer answered my calls or responded to my emails. Later my sister told me he met somebody else.
It took me close to a year to get him out of my heart.
But for many nights, during that year, he would appear in my dreams. I was always in some kind of line up as he would come into the room. I was afraid he wouldn’t notice my presence but every single time he would walk straight up to me. Hug me and whisper ‘I love you’.
In my dreams, he always chose me.
In every loving connection we make with another human being, the quality of that love is not measured by the length of time together. It is measured by the intensity of the connection.
Ultimately love is not a promise of what might or should be. Love is what is now.
When longing takes you out of the moment, remind yourself that when people are meant to stay, they will. If not, it doesn’t make the love less real.
Trust. Love.